Brute Strength – Impress your friends and catch the eye of that someone special

August 28, 2009

Hercules, Sampson, Achilles, Maximus...none of them ever tore a phone book in half with their bare hands.

Displays of brute strength are pretty useless. That’s the point of them. In our regular, sit-in-a-chair-and-stare-at-a-computer lives, we don’t need brute strength one bit (until someone asks you to help them move and you can’t think of a good excuse quickly enough). Even physical jobs don’t really require brute strength. You know what requires it? Being a gladiator. And that’s why men like to display useless brute strength. (Kinda like how women like to put pics with cleavage up on facebook, only less subtle). It shows the world that, even though we don’t have to fight to the death with lions and evade chariots with spinning blades on the wheels, we could if we wanted to.

Notice the two distinct halves of a big freakin phone book.

Tearing a phone book in half with your bare hands takes the useless scale slider all the way over past drawing an elephant by holding a magic marker in your butt and squatting over a piece of paper (though that would be really impressive and actually is done in some shows in Thailand). But you know what? I don’t care. It’s a primitive, neanderthal-ic show of bravado and I love showing people and telling them about it because, though the world may slap me silly like a fur coat and feathered fedora wearing ho handler, I can still take my frustrations out on a phone book. And the best you can do is wrinkle it a little and get a paper cut. Pansy.

If you want to learn the tricks, I give lessons. Tearing a phone book will:

Help you get laid
Fast track your career
Earn you the envy and worship of most of the world’s computer programmers

To fast track your career, get drunk and do it at your next business event. Everyone will remember you. It’s important to be drunk so you can ignore the pain in your hands and the fact that you’re sweating all over people at a cocktail party.